Being Donald Trump Is Hard, Okay?

Look, I know everyone thinks I’m some kind of monster, but have you tried being raised by a cold real estate tycoon who treated affection like a tax write-off? My therapist (if I had one... which I don’t, because therapy is for weak losers who read books) would probably say I’ve got deep, unresolved daddy issues. And mommy issues. And… let’s just say the Trump family is a generational trauma buffet with a side of gold leaf.

My kids? Oh, they’re fine. They love me… when I’m useful. Which is fair, because that’s exactly how I taught them to love. It’s called transactional parenting... ever heard of it? Ivanka gets it. Say something flattering about me on Fox News and boom... another handbag line no one asked for. Don Jr. just wants my approval. I give him a thumbs-up every time he yells “woke.” It’s cute.

And yes, I had to cheat to win. Big deal. Who doesn’t bend the rules a little to become the most powerful man in the free world? A little Russian interference here, a touch of Elon's magic there, some strategic voter suppression... boom. That’s not cheating. That’s creative patriotism. Winners manipulate. Losers vote legally.

Let’s talk about Melania. She’s still here! Mostly because the prenup has more claws than a Florida gator. You’ve seen the footage... swatting my hand like I’m a used tissue. But we have a beautiful relationship: I talk, she sighs and vanishes for three months. Love is real.

So why did I really run for president? It wasn’t just for power, or to dodge criminal charges (though that’s a perk). It was because if I appoint you to my cabinet, you have to be my friend. That’s how it works. Call me “sir,” pretend to laugh at my jokes, and you get to sit at my table. Literal power move. I created a whole government just to force people to like me. Who needs friends when you’ve got forced loyalty and a military band?

At the end of the day, I’m just a simple, humble billionaire who’s never paid taxes, built an empire out of branding my last name next to buildings I don’t own, and survived on vibes, lawsuits, and delusion. Don’t hate the player. Hate the bankrupt casino.

#MAGA #DaddyIssuesMakeAmericaGreatAgain #ElectoralFraudButMakeItFashion